I felt no longing
To be pursued romantically
To be desired sexually
To share myself willingly
I understood this exchange
As a pertinent suffering
I wouldn’t allow myself
To express a state of longing
A yearning
I interpreted as desperation
I denied the touch of others
In the name of self-preservation
Protecting my already impure soul
Preventing the wounds from deepening
I found safety in vanishing and reappearing
I became an obscurity in other’s minds
I felt that belonging to anyone
Was impossible and useless
A peculiar selfishness
In the name of self- interest
I became unsociable
I stammered
In the translation of
My brokenness
How hurt I must have been
To push the pull of love
How hurt I must’ve been
To find refuge
In the dark void of my mind
A seemingly
Pleasant hiding place to grieve
Embedded in quiet moments
I would cry
I had a habit of inventing scenarios
Of love and bliss in my mind
These fairy tales fade quickly
A phosphorescent haze
What an insensible way of saying I needed to be held
What an imaginative way of saying I needed to be loved
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Nikki is a pleasure seeker living in the magical complexity of New York City. Her interests include interior design, film, and travel photography. She is a firm believer that life is meant to be lived by experiencing and loving fully.
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